Another Blog on Hair

This summer I bought a chi flat iron, just to be able to be versatile with my hair. Last year I cut it because I got tired of not being able to do a whole lot of stuff with the big fro, and I needed a change. I'm not one to spend money in a salon on my hair, so what I can do with a fro is very limited. So i bought it for change and also because it's not good for me to wash my hair every morning when it is so cold outside....

Well, now it is getting cold, so last night i decided to straighten my hair (via the chi iron). Everyone had a comment, which was expected because since i have been teaching at my school i have always had a fro. Got a similar reaction when I first cut my hair. The comments I got from students were interesting to say the least. I got "I like your hair," but there were other comments that really got me thinking when i got home. Here is a list of some of the comments from my students and other students that I have never taught:

• "You look sexy" (i thought this was completely inappropriate until i realized that was just a word equivalent to "hot")
• "You look like a movie star"
• "Oh my gosh, you look really pretty"
• "You look younger"
• "You look older"
• "Now you look about 20, so does that mean I can holler at you?" (yes, this was a student)
• "Do you have a date tonight?" (I guess they think I haven't had a date in 3 years since I haven't worn my hair straight in 3 years)
• "Let me take a picture"
• "You look soooo different"
• "I didn't know who you were"
• "That was not a good choice"
• "We want the old Ms. H back"
• Boys swarming around my classroom door and grinning at me all day
• 8th period students standing around my doorway looking during 2nd period

All in ONE day. Now, most of the comments were positive; one student hated it. At first i was thinking "damn, am i THAT unnattractive???" so many students were saying how pretty i looked today, and i wondered what they think of me normally? But when i got home, some of the reactions really saddened me; not because my feelings were hurt, but it just reminded me how brainwashed some of my students are and what their ideal of beauty is. I received soooo much attention today because i didn't want to catch a cold from walking out in the cold with wet hair! What a mess...should i not do this again?

When Is It Too Soon?????

Ladies and Gents, is it ever "too soon" for us to sleep with someone? If so, when is it too soon? Why do we tend to equate a "good, meaningful relationship" with holding out the goods? Haven't all of us been with someone that we sleep with soon and the relationship lasts longer than expected? I know this has been the case for me a few times. I found myself "getting it on" because I was horny and I needed a piece. At these times I was not worried about what would happen the next day, how he may look at me, what others may say, etc. In other words, I was just getting a piece of ass because I needed it. This is called sex with no emotions. But, as women, can we all do that? If not, why not? Are we still living in a world where the outcome of our relationships are dependent on how soon we choose to sleep with someone? If we sleep with someone too soon and the relationship doesn't work do we still blame it on the fact that we slept with a person early? I don't think the two have anything to do with one another. If you are in a relationship that doesn't work it could be because you actually get to know the person as time goes on and realize that he/she is not for you or they realize you are not for them. I don't think it has anything to do with giving it up too soon. But, maybe I'm wrong... And for those of us who think that it can be too soon to have sex, do we think that if we break up with someone shortly after sleeping with them something about us is going to be lost? Why is it a big deal if we have sex and then stop seeing someone? What difference is it going to make? It amazes me to hear very independent women talk about this; talk about "holding out" in case the newfound interest is "the one." Is it because we have to have some sort of feeling for the person we are sleeping with? Does it have to be that deep? Can't we just like the person for whatever reason and want to have a good time? Or am I wrong? Now, I will admit there was a time when I did believe in holding out, but I guess my hormones just took over, and holding out is not all it's cracked up to be....But, maybe I'm wrong. Are we really still saving ourselves, and if so, saving ourselves from what????

'Chicken Noodle....Coon'

Last year, as senior advisor, I chaperoned prom. It was an.....interesting experience. I was sure that there were gonna be some pregnant girls at graduation after watching how the kids were dancing. While that dancing was a bit disturbing, there was another dance the kids were doing that was just repulsive. It was what I like to call a coon dance, and I was just sure that it originated in the south. It was the first time I saw anyone doing the dance, but since then I have seen quite a few of my students doing it...the chicken noodle soup. What does that even mean? Today, when I logged on to AOl there was an article about a new craze in dancing. It is invited its members to watch the dance and judge it. What in the world is going on? This dance is sooooo coon-ish to me, but maybe it's just me. And NOW people all over and looking at it. Will I be the only one who views this as a coon dance, or are others gonna look at this and say "Lord, what are they doing now?"

So disturbing...

Check out the title of this blog and you will be able to see for yourselves. Let me know if I'm just not being open minded...I hope it works (and there is a commercial before it airs).

When is it too soon to bring up the "M" word?

This summer I was talking to one of my very best friends (aren't all of my blogs initiated by some conversation I have recently had with a good friend?) Anyway, we were talking about relationships. We discussed why so many black men are going to Brazil to meet women; we talked about men "being men" and women "being women," and we even talked about trivial things women do in relationships. But one of the most interesting things we discussed had to do with conversations you have with someone you meet, but start to "dig." Now, he was speaking from a different cultural perspective (religion-wise) and in his religion, it is not common practice to date someone before you marry them. From what I understand, when you meet someone, you get to know them a bit, hear a little about their family, and if you think this is s person you could share your life with, the man approaches her father and tells her that he would like to date his daughter WITH the intention of marrying her. Now, I have to say, when I first heard this I had my reservations, and still do, but I try to be open minded. In a way, dating is a bit ridiculous at times, and can cause more heartache than anything....

So I was telling him that I am reaching an age where I am thinking that I could be married someday. He suggested that when I begin dating someone I should let that be known. And, I tried to fight it. "It just doesn't work like that" I told him. I can't tell someone, "Hey I wanna get married" to early in the relationship; they will think that I am crazy and RUN before I really get an opportunity to know them. His point was to just let that person know early, that you have intentions of getting married, not necessarily to that person, but that is a desire. He also said (in responding to me) that if that person runs, that I should let them. If we are not on the same page in regards to that then it won't work. My rebuttal: "Well what if you don't know you want to get married, but as the relationship grows, you decide that you do want to get married." He told me that no woman can make a man want to marry him, and if she succeeds in getting what she wants, she has in a way forced him to marry her/trapped him into marrying her/or he is just settling. Let me tell you, that was a mouthful to swallow, and even though I was completely understanding his points (no matter how inarticulately I am expressing them now), I still have my reservations with this. I do understand, that if you are looking to get married at some point, it would be nice to know if you are with someone who is completely anti-marriage before things get too serious. But, there is still something about it that gives me the heebie jeebies...

Is this something that people do? Bring up the fact that they would one day like to be married early in a relationship? And even if it is not, why am I so hesitant, even after considering his points? When do you bring this topic up, if it is something you are looking for?

How do men learn to have sex?

ATTENTION ALL MEN WHO READ MY BLOG.......

So I have noticed that there are certain moves that all men (well ar least the ones I have been with) know and do while sleeping with women (i.e. me). One in particular that I can call to mind is putting hands underneath me to lift my pelvis, but there are more, and I wonder how do all men know to do that? Is there some secret annual seminar that women don't know about? Do you learn from other men (fathers, friends, uncles)? Or is sex so instinctual that certain moves are just natural? Or is there something else I don't know about? Granted, there are certain moves that have been very specific for specific men, but there are always those faithful tricks that add a little spice. And if there is some sort of seminar or conversation, then why is it that eating pussy is not discussed? Not every man has mastered that art; actually most that I have been with have not mastered it. There is more to going down on a woman than a simple lick. And there is definitely no biting involved (ouch). Please men, do not do that unless you are directed to do so. But really, I want to know, how do you know what to do? As a woman, I can't say that there is any conversation about what we should do, but there have been discussions on what a man could do to really put us over the edge. And speaking of that, how do men receive a woman giving directives in bed? Does that mess with a man's ego?

So men, this one is for you. Speak up. And women, is it just me, or have you experienced the same thing (that there are certain moves that all of the men you have been with know?)

Holla at your southern girl. I am an inquiring mind :)

Who is for an open relationship?

This summer I attended an adult female slumber party. We had all the slumber party goods: food, drink, stripper, (yes stripper), and conversation. Part of the conversation I abandoned because it involved male bashing, and I'm not for all of that...all the time. Nothing that I hate more than to sit around with women and talk negatively about men. Just not my thing. While I did not partake in this conversation, I did find another quite interesting. At some point this summer, the comedienne Mo'Nique was featured in Essence Magazine, and in the article she was talking about her life, career, and new marriage, which is an open relationship. This sparked quite an intersting discussion. Some of the women felt Mo'Nique was a hypocrite because (according to them) she seems to be such a confident woman, but that confidence was a facade, because no one who was confident would be in an open relationship. I think they were making some connection between Mo'Nique's weight and the fact that she willingly accepts an open relationship as going hand in hand. It is my understanding that they were assuming Mo'Nique had to settle for such a relationship because she does not fit the ideal standard of beauty. Which, I think is bullshit.

Because I was a little perturbed with this line of thinking, I decided to pose a question...that no one really wanted to address, so I invite any of you to answer. Which really is the more confident woman: the one who will allow her man to see other people (knowing they will come home to her and will have nothing to hide or the one who assumes that a man will only want to be with her for the rest of their lives, and if for some reason she is not enough for him, then he has a problem? I think that you can be confident in either situation. For me, it's all about what works for you. If you want to have an open relationship, who am I to say that what you do is a sign of a lack of confidence? If it works for you, and I mean really works for you, then I think it is great.

But that brings me to my question: do open relationships really work? Are two people gonna be honest enough with each other to really say "I'm going out with the chick from work" without the party left at home feeling jealous or insecure. I have never been in an open committed relationship, but I have been in several "open relationships." And what I've found is that no matter how willingly open I am, the other party still finds the need to lie about what they are doing or wanting to do. Why is that? I would think for many the idea would be ideal, but when presented with that idea one does not know how to go along with it. Does anyone have any experience here that can offer some insight, because the ones I have tried just haven't worked...

Questions from a teacher...

There are times when I think I am really an effective teacher. I try to teach my students things they need to know in order to pass standardized tests, get into college, and thrive while they are there, but I also want to teach them things that they need to know, should know, in order to be productive citizens. I want them to be able to "see" the world that they live in for what it is. In order to do that I have to take less conventional approaches to teaching, and teach them less conventional things. I do all of this because I genuinely care about my students, and about their futures, and that is because I am with them every...single...day. It is inevitable, right? So, because I care I put a tremendous amount of effort into each of my lessons. And there is nothing more frustrating when they (my students) are not completely receptive. It bothers me to no end. It worries me, upsets me, and even makes me sick at times.

I try to remember myself as a student, and no, i wasn't always engaged, but I did the work, because I had no other choice, and because I wanted to get out and go to college. I did what I had to do. It is so frustrating when students sit in my class and don't listen, but then come to me after the lesson and ask questions...not because they were not able to grasp the lesson, but because they were not listening. It is so frustrating to tell a student to be quiet and as I'm telling them, they are looking right at me, but still talking to the person next to them, not even trying to abort the conversation. It is so frustrating to give my studnets templates and examples of the work they are to produce and get nothing from them, but blank stares and excuses. But what is so ironic about this is that they say they enjoy my class. I motivate them, get them engaged, have them talking about the lessons even after they leave my classroom, but to get them to put something on paper is like pulling teeth. It makes me question my ability as a teacher despite the accolades I get from other teachers, administrators, and even former students. Am I doing the right thing? Should I move on and allow another teacher the opportunity to come in and do what I can't? Would I be more effective somewhere else? Teaching is hard enough by itself. All of this "extra" is almost too much to bear...

What is a teacher to do?

What's the Lucky Number?

So, last week I found myself doing something very odd and a bit juvenile (but hopefully not too juvenile) with my best friend. We were trying to think of how many men we have been with. Always a taboo topic, and I guess I wanna know WHY. Why can't two people who are intimate with one another sit down and have this discussion? I mean I can understand not wanting to have the discussion if the question was "How many people ARE you sleeping with?" but if the past is the past, then why is this topic "off limits?" Do we avoid the conversation because we are afraid of giving the "wrong" number or hearing the "wrong" number? The older we get, the number will inevitably grow, and if we are honest with ourselves, do any of us really want to be with someone whose number is on the lower end of the scale? Of course not. We want someone we can experiment with, have fun with, have firsts with, etc. The likelihood of all of that happening with someone who is not experienced is not as likely, at least I don't think. But really, I want to understand this. Why don't we talk about this???? Seems like it would make for interesting conversation...

I'm all for applauding women who are "hoes" (see past blog "I'm a Ho...not a Slut", but I found myself cringing when I was making up my list, mainly because there were items on that list that I want to erase or just forget about. So when making a list, how accurate do we have to be?

• Do we have to add really bad experiences (even if it was more than once)?
• Do we have to add people that we only slept with once?
• Do we get to start our list over after so many years? If so, how many years would that be?
• If I can't remember someone on the first go round of making the list, does that mean they aren't even worth adding?

Why am I even considering altering the list? On the one hand I feel as if I can be open about my number, and really not care what people think, but on the other hand, I have to wonder if I want to trim my list because I feel it is a little too long... But then again, what is too long? I'm a 28 year old single female who loves "getting down." Proud to say it, but not to count it???