Uh Ohhhhhhhhh

You better watch out...you better not pout....you better not cry, I'm gonna tell you why...JOHNNIE COCHRAN DIED. Awww shit, all us niggas is going to jail now!

Just thought I'd get that line out before any comedien/comedienne does ;)

I Have a CRUSH!

Awww...a crush. Something that is especially foreign for me. In my entire 26 years, 7 months, 22 days, 14 hours, and 9 minutes of living I've only experienced two real crushes. Yeah, I've liked guys from a distance, but the thing that made a crush a crush, was never really there. The first was from ages 8 until...maybe 20; and yes, it was the same guy for that entire 12 year span. He was the shit for a preadolescent, adolescent,teenager, and young adult female. Mainly he was something nice to look at...not much more as I discovered in my 20th year, or even more precisely, the 12th year of wanting someone who didn't want me, and blamed not wanting me on a little thing known as "the age factor" ;) I guess the one thing I can give him credit for is buying me bonbons on my 11th birthday, or maybe it was the 12th birthday...who can remember such trivial things =) My crush lasted as long as he (the crushed on) wasn't attainable, and when he was he wasn't all that I had imagined and fantasized about for the 12 years I was crushing on him. A bit of a disappointment...MY CRUSH, WAS A CRASH. We still remained friends, but once he allowed himself to be caught in a sense, the feeling was gone!

And now, I have another...and aside from the fact that I probably would never express this to my crush, it feels oh so good. This is a bit of a mature crush, if you will. Is that an oxymoron? Anyway, he is fabulous according to my own standards. And from the little contact I've had with him, and the more I hear about him, I almost feel like he's the male me. We seem to have a lot of things in common...some of the same bizarre likes and dislikes, and we have very similar interests. The few times that I've been in his prescence, I know I am crushing...how do I know? Because when I'm around him I'm a cluster fuck looking for the right words...the ones that will make him crush on me as well, but all of my formal and informal education and slight wit escapes me, and I'm either at a loss for words, or left with only idiotic words and phrases when responding to his questions/comments. I feel like I can't even articulate one complete sentence when I'm around him, and what makes it even worse is that creating complete logical sentences is what I teach people how to do for my own livelihood! I'm sure he thinks I'm a moron.

So what do we do about crushes? Do we keep them a secret so that we can keep the person on a pedastal for 12+ years? Or do we confront our crush? And btw, am I the only adult who still has crushes?

Oh, and for those of you who know who my crush is...don't you DARE reveal it! It's not so cute once it's known ;)

I'm Dating Girls!

As you can tell from previous blogs, my friends and I are always talking about relationships. We talk about how nice it would be to be in a relationship and enjoy all of the perks of those relationships like dating, and, well, sex. But aside from the sex, I don't know one female who doesn't really enjoys the art of dating...the whole flower, dinner, movie, nice romantic walks and talks, showers of compliments, getting sweet messages "just because," getting surprised by flowers or an unexpected lunch rendevous...all of the stuff that happens when we're dating someone. We eat all that shit up. And because dating is something that feels so nice, we often find ourselves wanting it either when a relationhip gets old, or there is no significant relationship in our lives at the time. Today a friend said something to me, and it got me thinking...what is it that we are really missing when we are not in a relationship with a man? Why do we complain or grieve about not having a man to do all of this with? Aren't we in a sense dating all of our girls? Don't we enjoy dinner and movies together, and then go out dancing? Don't we have nice engaging, even stimulating discussions? Don't we laugh about the most ridiculous things and in turn end up having a fantastic night? Don't we call each other with no particular preset agenda? Don't we just go out and do things spontaneously? Don't we freely share our mot intimate thougths and ideas with each other? And don't we give each other compliments, especially when they are needed? Ladies, we are not missing anything! We are ALWAYS dating...each other. So if we are in essence dating, what the hell are we complaining about? We already have what we're waiting for. Do we want somone just to pay for us? Or do we want the drama? We need to learn to enjoy each other, and realize that what we are looking for is actually right in front of us.

BREAKING NEWS March 23, 2005...The End of the World is Upon Us

Did any of you know that the end of the world was right around the corner? In fact, it's on Friday, March 25, 2005. That's right, the end of the world is Friday!!! That's the breaking news I heard today. So why is the end of th world on Friday you ask? Well, here's the answer according to the students at my school. Apparently a hermaphrodite was born in the Dominican Republic a few days ago. This hermaphrodite was born with facial hair, and came out the pussy saying "If you think this is strange...wait till Friday." Or rather "Si piensas que esto es raro, espera hasta el Viernes." And because this "raro" birth happened so close to Easter, the end of the world will be on Good Friday, 2005. Oh, by the way, this was confirmed on New York City transportation...the 1 line Uptown train to be exact by an anonymous stupid ass motherfucking adult!

From what I understand, kids are not required to go to school in the D.R. If you decide you want to go to school at 15, you will be a 15 year old first grader! How fucked up is that? And is that the reason so many students (and adults) actually believe that the end of the world is prompted by the birth of a talking newborn hermaphrodite with facial hair???? (A.k.a a midget who is trying to pull one over on the stupid ass people that voted for George Bush? WHAT IS GOING ON? I guess what's even more disturbing than the rumor itself is that kids actually believe it! I was teaching a lesson on subject-verb agreement today, and when I asked the class if they had any questions I got, "Miss, (that's my name...MISS), are you scared that the world is going to end on Friday. I AM!" First of all, that's not the kind of question I was soliciting, and second of all....WHAT THE FUCK???

So I'm predicting that there will be pure mayhem at school tomorrow. But, I may be able to use the rumor to my advantage if kids get outta line. Would I be terribly wrong if I told unruly kids "You're going to hell tomorrow if you keep doing that" and posted a sign on my door that say "WWJD?" Maybe if they get too outta control I'll just tell them "You know what...you don't have to wait for tomorrow!" But maybe since it will be their last day on earth, they will feel the need to behave so that they can gain entry into heaven.

And you know what, if this shit is on the motherfucking news, I will single handedly end the world my goddamned self!

What is it all about?

P.S. If the end of the world is Friday, I'm sure I'll be telling some of you in heaven/hell "Shit...those motherfuckers were right." I'll be sure to repent before I go to bed tomorrow night.

Just when I begin to wonder...

Teaching is such a challenge, and a lot of times I find myself frustrated because I don't feel like I'm really reaching my kids. Today was one of those days when I stopped questioning and wondering, and realized that I am definitely doing more good than harm.

My freshman and I have just started a unit on nonfiction. I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to incorporate some human rights issues into my class. I started sharing with them one of the most important books that I have read to date: Growing Up Empty: The Hunger Epidemic in America by Loretta Schwartz Noble. I wasn't really sure my kids would get into this book because of the way it is written and some of the terminology used. But I was so wrong. We had a discussion on what they read yesterday...an excerpt from the book that discusses the life of a 23 year old with four children. Talese (the 23 year old) has four children, and receives a mere $400/month in food stamps which comes out to be like $20/person/week. You should have heard the debate that was going on. The students were talking about fairness and ethics on their own, and also our messed up welfare system. Then they asked me if they could start a food pantry and have clothing drives for homeless people, and even go as a group to feed the homeless during Thanksgiving, and have a toy drive during Christmas...all on their own. A discussion that was only supposed to last 15 minutes lasted an entire 90 minutes. I was so moved because all of my kids live in poverty, but they realized that there are some that are living far worse than them. Since the beginning of the year I have been trying to teach them that they coexist on this planet with billions of others, and they should be aware of that at all times. Tolerance is always a huge topic in my everyday class. Based on previous behaviors, I didn't think they were really grasping what I was trying to teach them. But after today's debate, and comments like "I wish all of our teachers taught like you" and "We should discuss these kinds of issues in all of our classes; if we don't know these things, how can we be expected to change them," I realized that I am doing something right. In sharing these things with them, they really understand that I care...that teachers can really care. It was such a rewarding day. I am so proud of them.

I'm a Ho...Not a Slut

Okay, what is wrong with me??? I was watching America's Next Model, and a girl collapsed during judging. And I thought that was the funniest thing EVER. I mean I was laughing hysterically; I didn't even wait to see if the girl was okay. And when they did the replay, I laughed even harder. So I told a friend, and she was like "Why would you laugh at that???? That was sooo sad." That's got to be the effect of being around insensitive high school kids, as another high school teacher (I'm not saying any names, you know who you are) laughed hysterically with me. What's wrong with me/us?

So now to business...I'm a little sad that none of you responded to my last blog. Aren't you all happy that I finally got some??? But I won't harp on that anymore =)

Is there a difference between a slut and a ho? Merriam Webster's regards these terms as synonym's...actually slut, and whore. Both according to dictionary definitions are promiscuous women who have sex for money; in other words they are both prostitutes. However, when I use the term "ho" I don't really use it as an abbreviated term for whore. (As far as the money thing is concerned, I have to agree with the character Moll Flanders who said that being a prostitute is no different from being a married woman [or in today's time some married women]. Both are having sex for money; one is just an accepted occupation.) But in saying that, I do think there is a big difference between a slut and a ho. For me, a ho is someone who loves to have sex, and has a lot of it, BUT has a sense of power with her shit. A ho is a respectable person, but isn't passive or ashamed of her sexual experience. Sex doesn't define a ho, but rather, she defines herself partially through her sexual escapades...if that makes any sense. Like a ho, a slut has a lot of sex, but sex/the number of partners define the slut. She does not really have any power in her sexual life, and she is kinda, well, she is nasty. Am I a ho...probably...Am I a slut...HELL NO. But that's how I feel as a female. I was discussing my next blog with a male friend, and this is what he had to say about sluts:

slut: n. A woman of bad character; a prostitute. sluttish. adj,

Sure, some of the sluts I've known before had issues and it's possible they needed therapy but they were exciting and if anything had interesting, unqiue characters. So, I disagree here. I've always been interested and somewhat attracted (hey I'm a guy, don't hate me) to these type of women. Women willing to take the initiative and break from mold that suffocates their female friends. With the media searing our minds with a steady stream of sterotypical images of women, it's refreshing to come into contact with one secure enough to know who she wants and when. A women "so seductive," 50 Cent states,"you should see the way she wind."

I agree with my friend partially. I think it is good that women "break from the mold that suffocates their female friends...[and] it's refreshing to come into contact with one secure enough to know who she wants and when." But, I would call this person a ho...not a slut. I briefly discussed this with a few people, and men seem to think differently from women. Men, unlike women seem to think these terms are interchangeable, whereas women think there is some sort of distinction between the two. So does that mean that those of us (women) that feel empowered and confident about being "loose" are still viewed as "sluts" in the eyes of men? Do we think that calling ourselves hoes is really a good thing, when really it means the same thing that we are trying to avoid? And if the two mean the same thing, is it just more acceptable to call ourselves hoes? And if so, why??? Could "ho" just be another word that we have altered so that we can feel better about ourselves and not degraded? Men and women I need to hear from you =)

Wow, that was a random mouthful!

Back in the land of the living, breathing, and...ya know

I've heard from a few of you who comment on my page. Some of you have commented continally checking on my blog that hasn't had a new posting in nearly a week. Well, I have to apologize, but a bitch needed to handle some very important business. Sorry for the delay.

FINALLY...the 18, practically 19 month drought has come to an end, and I'm back in the land of the...fucking! And I have to say, I have absolutely no complaints...I couldn't be happier with the experience. Yeah, I was a little hesitant at first, but soon learned that some things are just like riding a bicycle. And those "fears" that I mentioned in an earlier blog ended abruptly.

So, all went GREAT, but now there is a BUT. And because of this but, I can't be as excited as I want to be about no longer being a celibate yet desiring woman. I have to say, the but in no way, shape, or form relates to the one who took me out of my depressing state, but more so with me. Because I won't be getting this on a regular, and when I say regular I mean a couple to several times a week, I'm kinda in an awkward place. I waited all this time, and now I'm going to be waiting to get my next little piece (no pun intended...really). Would it have been better to wait for someone I could be regular with so that I wouldn't have to feel this new frustration? What good is sex if you can't get it whenever you want it? Once you start, you can't stop, right? And while waiting for a month or so is no where near waiting 19 months, it's still waiting, and damnit, I don't want to have to wait. I will, but I don't want to. The end of the 19 month hiatus made me instantly remember something...I love to have sex. And yes, I know I'm really putting myself out there, but isn't that what this is for? Am I just being a ho?

Is "Bitch" the new "Nigga"

I like to think I am soooo progressive in my thinking sometimes. I don't give in to all of the gender norms shit like little boys who play with dolls or wear pink are effeminate, or that little girls have to be passive, quiet princesses in order to be feminine. I won't read my own children fairy tales until we can have an intellectual conversation about their meaning. As an English teacher, I want to introduce my kids to the "world" of literature and not just the canon that has been taught for eons, and as I teach, I want show the value that lies in those texts. My world does not begin and end with my immediate circle of family and friends; I am and hope to continue to work towards some sort of common good for all mankind. I try to be reasonable and not emotional. And on, and on. But there is one area of my life where I would like to think that I am progressive, but may not be...that area is language; specifically oppressive/degrading language. And even more specifically, the words nigger/nigga and bitch.

I must admit that I used the term nigga quite frequently in my past, and I find that when I am around adults who use this term, it seems to make its way out of my own mouth. At the same time, I am trying to teach my kids about the origins of the word nigga so that they may discontinue using it. Yeah, the word has become mainstream, much like fairy tales. Fairy tales were not meant for children, and because now we read them to kids, we are in a way presenting ridiculous gender norms that can do more harm than good...in my own personal opinion. And while the term nigga is embraced, it is still the root of a lot of controversy, and can ignite intense emotions if used by the "wrong" person. So, in my classroom, the word is banned...but I still sometimes use it in my own personal life. Does that make me a hypocrite???

And now...bitch. A very degrading term when used to refer to women. At one time, shit even today, if the "wrong" person calls me a bitch, I find myself as upset and aggessive as if someone were to call me a nigger. However, I have found over the last few years, that I use the word "bitch" for my own close friends...a term of endearment if you will. Now on the one hand I am all anti-sexism, and anti-gender norms, but all of my "girls" are my "bitches." I say the word bitch as often, if not more, than I say hello. Is this problematic...it is, right? Perhaps I need to re-evaluate it all.