Feeling Accomplished

Today was the first day of a much needed vacation. And what do I do? Re-introduce myself to two neglected loves...music and books. Since I'm teaching, and in school, I find that on my off-time i.e. the weekends, all I have time to do in my spare time is rest. Yeah I have intentions of doing all sorts of things, but my worn-out self will not allow me the time to take on those intentions. I woke up at 6:50 this morning (go figure) and after looking for classes to register for for the summer, I perused my three bookshelves and windowsill (yes I keep books on my window sill b/c i don't have enough book shelves) I chose Tar Baby by Toni Morrison. Since I was determined not to get lost in the television as I often do, I set a goal...finish half the book today, and then complete it tomorrow. Well, 12 hours later, a few naps in between, and a long overdue bubble bath, I finished the entire book. I was lost in the words of Morrison and the characters that I came to love and hate instataneously and simultaneously while listening to the likes of keys, larieux, coldplay, and legend. Is it just me, or does everyone feel like they've really accomplished something when they finish reading a book for leisure? I feel like I can take on the world right now, and Morrison gave me a lot to think about (comment on and underline) in 306 pages while I take it on. A story of love and relationships, Tar Baby has me looking at things a bit differently, as do all really good books. Jadine, Son, Ondine, Sydney, Margeret, Valerian, Gideon, and Therese will remain etched in my mind just as Pecola Breedlove, Maureen Peel, and other characters that represent so many of us and so many of our challenges and desires. I didn't want the book to end; I wanted to be wrapped up in it all night, and then wanted it to tuck me into bed preparing me for sweet though-provoking dreams. I think it will still do that even though I have closed the pages without being given a happily ever after ending. I guess that's why I enjoy Morrison. She doesn't feed us the shit television does, and when I say shit, I mean the happily ever after unrealistic endings. She ends nicely, not like those books that end having me think "what the fuck??" but with an ending that will keep me thinking, wondering, and hoping for many nights and days to come. Over the next few days I will explore the work more wondering how she does it as lightbulbs start to come on. Not about how she does it (because I don't know if my mind is ready for that and even if it is, I don't think I can/will find the answer) but about the clues she was giving me but that I could not recognize on a first read. So look forward to future blogs that incite thought provoking questions...not about Sex and the City, but about the questions developed as the result of immersing myself in a true art form...by a true artist.

I'm Getting Younger

Well maybe I'm not getting younger, but I am feeling younger. Not because of anything I've done intentionally, but because of the people around me. I've been carded three times this week when purchasing alcohol...and we're not going to even talk about the fact that I've purchased alcohol three times in the last 6 days. I'm not an alcoholic, just a teacher that needed to exhale a few times this week! The 3 times I was carded I wasn't wearing any makeup...goes to show you what makeup really does; it may make you look a little "better" but it also makes you look older! So no more makeup for me ;) Today my school had Spirit Day, and the Class of 06 was in charge of all the festivities. As faculty advisor for the class I felt that I should participate in some of the activities. So I was brave and decided to be one of the volunteers for "throw a pie in a teacher's face for $1." So for those of you that don't know me or haven't seen me in a while I have a really big Afro. Afro and pudding don't mix, so I had someone put my hair in 2 french braids last night. I look all of 10 years old right now. When I got to school today, no one really recognized me...eveyone kept looking for me looking right past me. Now I don't think a hairstyle really makes one look that different, but I discovered today that it does. Everyone thought I was a student, and for a 26 year old who feels like she's getting too old too fast, their inability to recognize me was quite the compliment. Several of my freshman were trying to guess my age, and one girl said "The absolute oldest you can be is 24!!!" I wanted to kiss her! But as I reflect on this week and how others made me feel, I started thinking "what's so bad about getting older?" Yes we live in an ageist society, but is this something we bring upon our selves? I don't know anyone beyond the age of 21 that looks forward to their next birthday. For us females, every birthday just gets us that close to menopause, and who wants to be menopausal??? Not I said the chief. But there are so many other good things that come with age...like maturity, wisdom, experiences that we learn from etc., but we always seem to focus on the negativity of getting older. A few weeks ago I got an invitation to my 10 year high school reunion and wanted to slit my wrists. When did I get so old? Was high school that long ago? So I try to make me feel better about myself by saying "You graduated at 16!" But still...I was a teenager 10 years ago! Damn it. When I was younger it I was so anxious about getting older, and it felt like my birthday came only once every two years...now it feels like it comes once every two months! I was always the youngest in my group of friends...now I'm always the oldest! WTF??? So I said all of that to say what is it about getting older that we all dread? Death? That could happen at any time...you don't have to be old to die...so what is it that we are so eager to avoid???

What's the Southern Gal to Do?

I have a student, and for the purposes of this blog, I'll name him Kwame, not sure why, but just go with me here! Anyway, earlier in the school year I heard Kwame tell someone (maybe even himself) that he was going to drop out of high school. Obviously this was disturbing especially because he's only a freshman, so I called him out in the hall to discuss this matter. He felt at the time that because he was failing all of us classes, school was a waste of his time. I told him that it was still early in the year, and that he was a very bright student, despite the fact that he failed my class. I saw and still see a lot of potential in Kwame. My words were not a bit of consolation, b/c his mind was not changed at all. I referred him to the counselor and spoke with his mother. After that I noticed a drastic change in his behavior and his school work. He was a B+ student for at least 3 marking periods. He also said on occasion that I was his favorite teacher and that he really enjoyed my class. So I thought all was resolved. Lately I noticed he wasn't really engaged, and I'd here him make comments like "I'm not doing it" everytime I gave an assignment. He was absent for a few days and then returned to school yesterday. He came to school early and told me he wanted to show me something. So we went in the hall and he showed me a letter from his brother and he made it a point to show me the addresser's address...it was a correctional facility. He told me that the two most influential people in his life (his brother and cousin) were in jail, and he felt that that is where he was headed. I told him that doesn't have to be the case, to which he replied "This is just me. I know I'm doing wrong; I'm in a gang, and there's nothing more I can do. I just don't have any other role models." I was speechless. I tried to tell him that he can decide what he will become, but he wasn't buying it. I ran out of words to say, and when he saw that he told me "I just wanted to tell you why I haven't been involved in class...my mind is just in other places, and I can't focus right now." Shit!!! I told him I understood he was going through difficult times, but tried to reinforce my earlier comments. I have no idea what I should do. This kid truly believes he has no other choices right now, and what could I say to convince him otherwise...NOTHING. He felt the need to give me some sort of reason for his change in behavior, and that says a lot about what he thinks of me as a teacher. How often do kids give excuses for their academic decline???

He didn't come to school today. I feel like I really fucked up.

"Samantha" in the City

Sex and the City has been off the air (hbo that is) for almost a year now, but the show still lives on in the conversations I have with several friends, and even on this blog. I find myself talking with my friends about which SATC character is most like us. I tend to feel like I'm most like Miranda...she's my favorite character, and not only because I found myself sitting next to her on the downtown 1 train last fall. She's focused and a bit cynical...two traits that when put together say a lot about who I am. She tells her friends exactly what is on her mind before thinking it through, her tolerance level for bullshit is "zero", and she is a bit of a cluster fuck for words at time even though she relies on her words for a living (she's an attorney in case some of you out of the loop). But for some reason my friends don't have the same perception of me that I have of myself. They think I'm Samantha!!! Now I love Samantha, but if you were to ask me, I'm no Samantha. I think a lot of us strive to be Samantha at times, especially when it comes to having sex. For a majority of the show, she could have sex with anyone without any emotions attached, and as much as we women say this is a possibility for us, I think if we're really honest with ourselves this isn't the case MOST of the time. Some of the time, yes, but definitely not most of the time. She is strong and successful, but I think of her mainly in terms of her sexual escapades and her often inappropriate sex talk. Basically I think of her as the "ho" if you will. Now I have stated that at times I do feel like a ho, but considering my sex record lately, I'm all talk and no action (pun intended!). And everyone knows I'm not getting any as often as I'd like, so my question is...how am I Samantha? Am I Samantha for other reasons??? If so, I'd like to be enlightened because I'm completely in the dark. Now don't get me wrong, I don't take this as an insult, it just comes as a surprise to me.

And yes, I am aware that I'm talking about these characters as if they are real, but I do feel that there is a lot of "realness" about them ;)

People can be so disgusting!

Got a joke for you: What do you do when a homeless guy comes to sit next to you on the train? MOVE!!! Get it???? I sure as hell don't. If you haven't figured it out, it wasn't a joke. It was meant to describe the poor sense of character so many of us have.

So today I'm on the path train heading back to jersey, and a homeless guy walks into the car and sits two seats down from me. If you think I'm going to talk about how disgusting the homeless guy was...think again. Yes he did look a little dirty, but what can be expected??? He's homeless. He can't afford the luxury of taking a shower everyday and washing his clothes once a week. As the guy took his seat, a guy across from him said "Man, don't sit there...take your ass to another car," to which the homeless guy replied "I will...I just need to sit down for a minute," and the rude asshole said "No move now...you stinky motherfucking bastard." The homeless guy didn't move, and I'm even happier to say that the asshole did. As if this wasn't upsetting enough, I noticed that I was the only person who didn't have a problem with sitting so close to him. A lady took an empty seat next to him, and then quickly moved. As the train made stops, many people looked at the two empty seats between him and I, made a move toward the seats, then took one look at him and went to the opposite end of the car. After a while he did get up, and took anothre empty seat in between two other people. Before he could even sit down, the two people on the sides of him got up and stood for the remainder of the train ride. WTF? Now I can understand if the guy smelled so bad that it prompted nausea, but that wasn't the case. Yes, he looked dirty, but I couldn't smell him, and I was sitting the closest to him. So people couldn't have been steering clear b/c of his odor. He wasn't talking to himself, or do something like spitting mango on the ground (I saw another homeless guy do that one time), so why were people so bent on not sharing a seat with someone who could be any of us in the blink of an eye? What is wrong with people??? He's a human being for fuck sake. No one even thought to think "If that were me, and people were automatically looking at me and running, how would I feel?" It's funny how some of us are so quick to judge people, then insult them just based on how they look. It's even funnier when those of us who are judging and insulting are being judged and insulted everyday because of how we look. I wanted to ask the asshole "Did you ever think people feel the same about you?" He would be a key target for racial profiling. But he can talk about not wanting to sit next to someone because of how they look? Are you kidding? But aside from the prick, I have to consider the 5-7 people whose actions spoke just as loud and clear as his words. I have to really wonder what kind of hope we have for our future if we can't even sit to someone who is fucking poor...a product of a society that could kick us in our ass at any given moment! I guess the difference is is that they wear their poverty on their sleeve and can't hide it like so many of us can. I mean really, we were all riding a train so that tells us a little something about where we fit in the social class paradigm. None of us have drivers taking us to work everyday; no limo is waiting for us when we walk out of the house. We ride the train for $1.50 one way. But how easily we can pick out someone who has it harder than we do. Will we ever get to the point when we aren't so blatantly rude and insensitive of our fellow man's condition? Can we get beyond ourselves long enough to give another human being respect regardless of how he looks or may smell????

Southern Girl for President

Today one of my freshman was telling me about a discussion she had (or her brother had...can't quite remember) with one of the Social Studies teachers. He told her that before the end of their lifetime (our kids) there will be a black president. I told her that that was highly possible. This is how our conversation went next:

Student: Miss, you should run for president.
Me: No, I don't think so.
Student: Yes, I think you should...you'd be a good president.
Me: Girl, the U.S. would be a mess if I was president.
Student: No it wouldn't...I think you should run.

A black president...possible. A black female president...hmmm, not sure. I'm no Condi! Thank goodness =) Now of all the careers that I've thought about tackling, a career is politics has not been an option. When others have asked me would I consider it I've always said, very quickly "NO!" Me in the presidency...that would make for one ghetto ass government. Really!!! I guess she was thinking that if I could handle the freshman classes at my school, I could definitely handle the ole U.S. of A. Now that I think about it, it was pretty cute.

Cast your ballots folks. Southern girl is gonna run the country!

Spring is in the Air

I remember thinking about winters in NYC before moving here. I was so excited about experiencing changes in climate, and seeing some "real" snow. Others from Houston that had experienced snow told me "It gets real old real soon," and now I see exactly what they mean. Snow is fucking annoying, and it's not as beautiful as I always envisioned. Yesterday and today as I was walking in 70 degree sunshiney weather, I couldn't help but think to myself "I love this city." The weather has definitely incited an incline in my mood. I love the spring!

I think my students are enjoying the weather as well. And, I'm starting to understand the nature of man during the springtime. The male students can smell the flowers blooming, and I'm anticipating some heightened libidos. Today I had one student (not one of mine) put his arm around me and tell all of his friends "This Ms. Hardman...my boyfriend!" So his english isn't all that great; he's a native Spanish speaker and only understands a little english. Until this week he kept calling me "Ms. Hongry," but now he has my name down. As I removed his arm from around my neck, his friends corrected is english; I think he was a little embarrassed. Then, another male student walked by me in the hall. He didn't say "hello" or "good afternoon" he just touched my stomach for no apparent reason. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF LIL BOY! Then later another student took a pen from me. I told him to give it back b/c students are always "borrowing" my pens, and I never see them again. He put the pen down his shirt and said "If you want it, come and get it." WTF??? Raina was in the room with me and said "Does your mother know you talk to your teachers like that?" So I packed up to leave and as I put my bag on my shoulder, it kinda pulled on my sweater, so that a piece of my bra strap was showing. This happened to be right in front of the same student who put the pen in his shirt in hopes that I would retrieve it from him. He went on to tell me that I needed to wear the dresscode as well, and when I asked him what he was talking about (i had on slacks, cardigan, and a pretty thick cami - that revealed NOTHING) he went to touch my bra strap and said "What is this?" No, I didn't let him touch my bra strap!!!! I saw him heading for it and quickly moved before he could get his jolly-on. Why are these boys being so manish around their teachers??? They must be watching the news too much and have us confused with those sick teachers who are having affairs with their students. Have boys always acted this way around their female teachers, or is there something in the water???

Just Be a Man

Has it always been a problem that men can't be men, or is it a 90's/new milenium type thing? Maybe it was World War II. Did that war stop the birth of man? Perhaps we need to start having wars that make men more like men and less like the pussies that I've been privileged enough to encounter lately. And as Raina said, I'm sure women will somehow be to blame for men being so soft.

What brought this on??? A man, of course. A man that I was friends with. Never any talk of being in a relationship; frankly the thought of that never crossed my mind. So my friend and I had been talking and communicating everyday, a few times a day. Just typical friendly conversation with a few laughs, a little advice, and a lot of support. Then one day out of the blue, I hadn't heard from him, and he explained that he needed some "me time" and that he would "be back in a few days." Ok...I can understand needing some time in solitude; shit everyone needs that every now and then. Now, personally I've never needed a few days for that shit; even if I did need that much "me time," I don't have that kind of fucking time on my hands. But, to each man his own. So since he's returned from his "me time" I still haven't heard from him. Yeah, I would check up on him daily to say hello and to see how his day was going, but got nothing in return. As a friend I began to get a little concerned, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help but wonder (in the words of C.B.) "is this motherfucker avoiding me???" And if so, why??? So I tried to call him today...no answer. Then I sent him a text asking if everything was ok, and that I was a little concerned b/c he hadn't returned any of my messages...no reply. Five hours later, I was a little more concerned, and little more frustrated. HELL-OOO???? So, I went against my urges not to call him, and decided to call him...ANONYMOUSLY, just to see of course if one of my hunches was valid. I am well aware, that dialing *67 before dialing a number is a bit immature, but I was in the middle of a game where someone wasn't returning my calls, so embraced immaturity with more immaturity. But I digress...Guess who then decides to answer the phone? Are you kidding me??? He answered the phone all casually and polite, and my response was "[Anonymous name]...are you avoiding me???" Of course he said "no"...how motherfuckin sweet. So I said, "Well what's going on?" Translation: why haven't I heard from you? I use to hear from you everyday, and now I haven't heard from you in over a week. To which he replied "Actually, I just walked in the door...I'm shaving." Yeah, that's what I do as soon as I walk in the door. He continued "Let me finish this up, hop in the shower, and I'll call you in like 30 or 45." Riiiiiight. Did he really think I was going to fall for that shit? Lemme wait by the phone for, I don't know...another week. WTF? And if you're asking yourself "Did he call back" GET A CLUE...of course he didn't call me back.

So I'm sure I'll be to blame for continuing to call him even after he never responded to me. Well excuse the fuck outta me for being concerned for someone who is a friend. Newsflash...friends call each other, and they begin to get a little concerned if they haven't heard from a friend that they normally talk to everyday for over a week. So here are some suspicions...he's got a girl. Well I'm glad if he does, and if he's dating someone who doesn't like him talking to other girls...FINE, just BE A MAN and pick up the fucking phone or send me a text message and tell me that! Suspicion two...I was crowding him. Now, I'm not sure how you crowd someone who lives in another city, but I'll be a champ, and go with that shit. Again...if you feel crowded...BE A MAN and say something. If you want someone to stop trying to contact you, the surest and quickest way to do that is to tell them that they are getting on your nerves. Or, don't be a man and avoid calls/texts and then answer an anonymous call...either way...works for me. But do you want people to think of you as a man, or a...(use your imagination). What is it? Am I intimidating? Do I scare people? Do I just flip out because I don't get my way? So if none of these things are true, then what is it? Is it just another way that men try to control women? "Let me not return her calls so that she'll worry about me, and then I'll feel all self-important, and then I'll call her so we can start this charade all over again!" Well, honey, I'm not the one. Especially for someone who is just a friend.

But here is what is so confusing. We are not dating, not in a relationship, he's not my boo, i'm not his...there are no fucking expectations, other than we are FRIENDS. So maybe I missed something...why do we avoid people that we call friends and then act like complete dicks about it??? I would think that we are too old for this shit...well I know I am. And I know I'm going on and on, but I'm completey flabbergasted right now. I just don't get it. And the sad thing is, for me anyway, is that I really considered this person to be a friend and I was a friend to him. Now, that shit has gone down the tubes. The game session of this friendship is now...OVER.

And if the anonymous person is reading my blog, that's the most attention I've gotten from you in a week, so I'm sure you saw this coming, you're a smart boy.

I can smell the desperation

Yesterday a friend and I were talking, and she was telling me about this internet site (eharmony) for singles that are looking to date. She told me a few co-workers told her about this site, and a few of them hooked up with people from this site. While I am totally against the idea of finding "the one" in cyberworld, by the end of our conversation, we both agreed to try it out...together. See how adventurous we can be with our girls! So, while we were talking, I walked over to my computer, logged on to AOL, and visited eharmony where I completed my "personality profile." While I was completing this survey about my values, interests, and other personality traits, I found myself quite annoyed. One, because some of the questions were redundant, and two, because this thing took me like 15 minutes to complete. While that may not seem like a long time to find someone, it was a hell of a long time to answer some questions I really wasn't in the mood to confront at the time. After completing this "free" survey, I found that "true love" really isn't free. Yes, I've gotten like six emails telling me about matches, but in order to communicate with any of these people, there is a cost:
1 month - $49.95
3 months - $99.95
6 months - $159.95
12 months - a whopping $249.95!
Now granted, I've spent all of these amounts in admissions to bars/clubs, drinks, outfits, makeup, and accessories, but even if I didn't find anyone on these nights, I at least had a good time. What is this going to get me? A decent conversation with someone who could be a complete sociopath? I'm just not feeling it. And should finding someone be as easy as filling out a 15minute survey, and then entering my credit card number into an unsecure site?

Or is this the new reality for dating? Find someone on the internet, and then live happily ever after? I don't feel like I'm desperate, and I really don't feel like that since I wasn't willing to pay for happiness (literally pay that is). So why would I even take the time to submit the survey? Is this the safe way to meeting someone, or is it all just scam?

Uh Ohhhhhhhhh

You better watch out...you better not pout....you better not cry, I'm gonna tell you why...JOHNNIE COCHRAN DIED. Awww shit, all us niggas is going to jail now!

Just thought I'd get that line out before any comedien/comedienne does ;)

I Have a CRUSH!

Awww...a crush. Something that is especially foreign for me. In my entire 26 years, 7 months, 22 days, 14 hours, and 9 minutes of living I've only experienced two real crushes. Yeah, I've liked guys from a distance, but the thing that made a crush a crush, was never really there. The first was from ages 8 until...maybe 20; and yes, it was the same guy for that entire 12 year span. He was the shit for a preadolescent, adolescent,teenager, and young adult female. Mainly he was something nice to look at...not much more as I discovered in my 20th year, or even more precisely, the 12th year of wanting someone who didn't want me, and blamed not wanting me on a little thing known as "the age factor" ;) I guess the one thing I can give him credit for is buying me bonbons on my 11th birthday, or maybe it was the 12th birthday...who can remember such trivial things =) My crush lasted as long as he (the crushed on) wasn't attainable, and when he was he wasn't all that I had imagined and fantasized about for the 12 years I was crushing on him. A bit of a disappointment...MY CRUSH, WAS A CRASH. We still remained friends, but once he allowed himself to be caught in a sense, the feeling was gone!

And now, I have another...and aside from the fact that I probably would never express this to my crush, it feels oh so good. This is a bit of a mature crush, if you will. Is that an oxymoron? Anyway, he is fabulous according to my own standards. And from the little contact I've had with him, and the more I hear about him, I almost feel like he's the male me. We seem to have a lot of things in common...some of the same bizarre likes and dislikes, and we have very similar interests. The few times that I've been in his prescence, I know I am crushing...how do I know? Because when I'm around him I'm a cluster fuck looking for the right words...the ones that will make him crush on me as well, but all of my formal and informal education and slight wit escapes me, and I'm either at a loss for words, or left with only idiotic words and phrases when responding to his questions/comments. I feel like I can't even articulate one complete sentence when I'm around him, and what makes it even worse is that creating complete logical sentences is what I teach people how to do for my own livelihood! I'm sure he thinks I'm a moron.

So what do we do about crushes? Do we keep them a secret so that we can keep the person on a pedastal for 12+ years? Or do we confront our crush? And btw, am I the only adult who still has crushes?

Oh, and for those of you who know who my crush is...don't you DARE reveal it! It's not so cute once it's known ;)

I'm Dating Girls!

As you can tell from previous blogs, my friends and I are always talking about relationships. We talk about how nice it would be to be in a relationship and enjoy all of the perks of those relationships like dating, and, well, sex. But aside from the sex, I don't know one female who doesn't really enjoys the art of dating...the whole flower, dinner, movie, nice romantic walks and talks, showers of compliments, getting sweet messages "just because," getting surprised by flowers or an unexpected lunch rendevous...all of the stuff that happens when we're dating someone. We eat all that shit up. And because dating is something that feels so nice, we often find ourselves wanting it either when a relationhip gets old, or there is no significant relationship in our lives at the time. Today a friend said something to me, and it got me thinking...what is it that we are really missing when we are not in a relationship with a man? Why do we complain or grieve about not having a man to do all of this with? Aren't we in a sense dating all of our girls? Don't we enjoy dinner and movies together, and then go out dancing? Don't we have nice engaging, even stimulating discussions? Don't we laugh about the most ridiculous things and in turn end up having a fantastic night? Don't we call each other with no particular preset agenda? Don't we just go out and do things spontaneously? Don't we freely share our mot intimate thougths and ideas with each other? And don't we give each other compliments, especially when they are needed? Ladies, we are not missing anything! We are ALWAYS dating...each other. So if we are in essence dating, what the hell are we complaining about? We already have what we're waiting for. Do we want somone just to pay for us? Or do we want the drama? We need to learn to enjoy each other, and realize that what we are looking for is actually right in front of us.

BREAKING NEWS March 23, 2005...The End of the World is Upon Us

Did any of you know that the end of the world was right around the corner? In fact, it's on Friday, March 25, 2005. That's right, the end of the world is Friday!!! That's the breaking news I heard today. So why is the end of th world on Friday you ask? Well, here's the answer according to the students at my school. Apparently a hermaphrodite was born in the Dominican Republic a few days ago. This hermaphrodite was born with facial hair, and came out the pussy saying "If you think this is strange...wait till Friday." Or rather "Si piensas que esto es raro, espera hasta el Viernes." And because this "raro" birth happened so close to Easter, the end of the world will be on Good Friday, 2005. Oh, by the way, this was confirmed on New York City transportation...the 1 line Uptown train to be exact by an anonymous stupid ass motherfucking adult!

From what I understand, kids are not required to go to school in the D.R. If you decide you want to go to school at 15, you will be a 15 year old first grader! How fucked up is that? And is that the reason so many students (and adults) actually believe that the end of the world is prompted by the birth of a talking newborn hermaphrodite with facial hair???? (A.k.a a midget who is trying to pull one over on the stupid ass people that voted for George Bush? WHAT IS GOING ON? I guess what's even more disturbing than the rumor itself is that kids actually believe it! I was teaching a lesson on subject-verb agreement today, and when I asked the class if they had any questions I got, "Miss, (that's my name...MISS), are you scared that the world is going to end on Friday. I AM!" First of all, that's not the kind of question I was soliciting, and second of all....WHAT THE FUCK???

So I'm predicting that there will be pure mayhem at school tomorrow. But, I may be able to use the rumor to my advantage if kids get outta line. Would I be terribly wrong if I told unruly kids "You're going to hell tomorrow if you keep doing that" and posted a sign on my door that say "WWJD?" Maybe if they get too outta control I'll just tell them "You know what...you don't have to wait for tomorrow!" But maybe since it will be their last day on earth, they will feel the need to behave so that they can gain entry into heaven.

And you know what, if this shit is on the motherfucking news, I will single handedly end the world my goddamned self!

What is it all about?

P.S. If the end of the world is Friday, I'm sure I'll be telling some of you in heaven/hell "Shit...those motherfuckers were right." I'll be sure to repent before I go to bed tomorrow night.

Just when I begin to wonder...

Teaching is such a challenge, and a lot of times I find myself frustrated because I don't feel like I'm really reaching my kids. Today was one of those days when I stopped questioning and wondering, and realized that I am definitely doing more good than harm.

My freshman and I have just started a unit on nonfiction. I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to incorporate some human rights issues into my class. I started sharing with them one of the most important books that I have read to date: Growing Up Empty: The Hunger Epidemic in America by Loretta Schwartz Noble. I wasn't really sure my kids would get into this book because of the way it is written and some of the terminology used. But I was so wrong. We had a discussion on what they read yesterday...an excerpt from the book that discusses the life of a 23 year old with four children. Talese (the 23 year old) has four children, and receives a mere $400/month in food stamps which comes out to be like $20/person/week. You should have heard the debate that was going on. The students were talking about fairness and ethics on their own, and also our messed up welfare system. Then they asked me if they could start a food pantry and have clothing drives for homeless people, and even go as a group to feed the homeless during Thanksgiving, and have a toy drive during Christmas...all on their own. A discussion that was only supposed to last 15 minutes lasted an entire 90 minutes. I was so moved because all of my kids live in poverty, but they realized that there are some that are living far worse than them. Since the beginning of the year I have been trying to teach them that they coexist on this planet with billions of others, and they should be aware of that at all times. Tolerance is always a huge topic in my everyday class. Based on previous behaviors, I didn't think they were really grasping what I was trying to teach them. But after today's debate, and comments like "I wish all of our teachers taught like you" and "We should discuss these kinds of issues in all of our classes; if we don't know these things, how can we be expected to change them," I realized that I am doing something right. In sharing these things with them, they really understand that I care...that teachers can really care. It was such a rewarding day. I am so proud of them.

I'm a Ho...Not a Slut

Okay, what is wrong with me??? I was watching America's Next Model, and a girl collapsed during judging. And I thought that was the funniest thing EVER. I mean I was laughing hysterically; I didn't even wait to see if the girl was okay. And when they did the replay, I laughed even harder. So I told a friend, and she was like "Why would you laugh at that???? That was sooo sad." That's got to be the effect of being around insensitive high school kids, as another high school teacher (I'm not saying any names, you know who you are) laughed hysterically with me. What's wrong with me/us?

So now to business...I'm a little sad that none of you responded to my last blog. Aren't you all happy that I finally got some??? But I won't harp on that anymore =)

Is there a difference between a slut and a ho? Merriam Webster's regards these terms as synonym's...actually slut, and whore. Both according to dictionary definitions are promiscuous women who have sex for money; in other words they are both prostitutes. However, when I use the term "ho" I don't really use it as an abbreviated term for whore. (As far as the money thing is concerned, I have to agree with the character Moll Flanders who said that being a prostitute is no different from being a married woman [or in today's time some married women]. Both are having sex for money; one is just an accepted occupation.) But in saying that, I do think there is a big difference between a slut and a ho. For me, a ho is someone who loves to have sex, and has a lot of it, BUT has a sense of power with her shit. A ho is a respectable person, but isn't passive or ashamed of her sexual experience. Sex doesn't define a ho, but rather, she defines herself partially through her sexual escapades...if that makes any sense. Like a ho, a slut has a lot of sex, but sex/the number of partners define the slut. She does not really have any power in her sexual life, and she is kinda, well, she is nasty. Am I a ho...probably...Am I a slut...HELL NO. But that's how I feel as a female. I was discussing my next blog with a male friend, and this is what he had to say about sluts:

slut: n. A woman of bad character; a prostitute. sluttish. adj,

Sure, some of the sluts I've known before had issues and it's possible they needed therapy but they were exciting and if anything had interesting, unqiue characters. So, I disagree here. I've always been interested and somewhat attracted (hey I'm a guy, don't hate me) to these type of women. Women willing to take the initiative and break from mold that suffocates their female friends. With the media searing our minds with a steady stream of sterotypical images of women, it's refreshing to come into contact with one secure enough to know who she wants and when. A women "so seductive," 50 Cent states,"you should see the way she wind."

I agree with my friend partially. I think it is good that women "break from the mold that suffocates their female friends...[and] it's refreshing to come into contact with one secure enough to know who she wants and when." But, I would call this person a ho...not a slut. I briefly discussed this with a few people, and men seem to think differently from women. Men, unlike women seem to think these terms are interchangeable, whereas women think there is some sort of distinction between the two. So does that mean that those of us (women) that feel empowered and confident about being "loose" are still viewed as "sluts" in the eyes of men? Do we think that calling ourselves hoes is really a good thing, when really it means the same thing that we are trying to avoid? And if the two mean the same thing, is it just more acceptable to call ourselves hoes? And if so, why??? Could "ho" just be another word that we have altered so that we can feel better about ourselves and not degraded? Men and women I need to hear from you =)

Wow, that was a random mouthful!

Back in the land of the living, breathing, and...ya know

I've heard from a few of you who comment on my page. Some of you have commented continally checking on my blog that hasn't had a new posting in nearly a week. Well, I have to apologize, but a bitch needed to handle some very important business. Sorry for the delay.

FINALLY...the 18, practically 19 month drought has come to an end, and I'm back in the land of the...fucking! And I have to say, I have absolutely no complaints...I couldn't be happier with the experience. Yeah, I was a little hesitant at first, but soon learned that some things are just like riding a bicycle. And those "fears" that I mentioned in an earlier blog ended abruptly.

So, all went GREAT, but now there is a BUT. And because of this but, I can't be as excited as I want to be about no longer being a celibate yet desiring woman. I have to say, the but in no way, shape, or form relates to the one who took me out of my depressing state, but more so with me. Because I won't be getting this on a regular, and when I say regular I mean a couple to several times a week, I'm kinda in an awkward place. I waited all this time, and now I'm going to be waiting to get my next little piece (no pun intended...really). Would it have been better to wait for someone I could be regular with so that I wouldn't have to feel this new frustration? What good is sex if you can't get it whenever you want it? Once you start, you can't stop, right? And while waiting for a month or so is no where near waiting 19 months, it's still waiting, and damnit, I don't want to have to wait. I will, but I don't want to. The end of the 19 month hiatus made me instantly remember something...I love to have sex. And yes, I know I'm really putting myself out there, but isn't that what this is for? Am I just being a ho?

Is "Bitch" the new "Nigga"

I like to think I am soooo progressive in my thinking sometimes. I don't give in to all of the gender norms shit like little boys who play with dolls or wear pink are effeminate, or that little girls have to be passive, quiet princesses in order to be feminine. I won't read my own children fairy tales until we can have an intellectual conversation about their meaning. As an English teacher, I want to introduce my kids to the "world" of literature and not just the canon that has been taught for eons, and as I teach, I want show the value that lies in those texts. My world does not begin and end with my immediate circle of family and friends; I am and hope to continue to work towards some sort of common good for all mankind. I try to be reasonable and not emotional. And on, and on. But there is one area of my life where I would like to think that I am progressive, but may not be...that area is language; specifically oppressive/degrading language. And even more specifically, the words nigger/nigga and bitch.

I must admit that I used the term nigga quite frequently in my past, and I find that when I am around adults who use this term, it seems to make its way out of my own mouth. At the same time, I am trying to teach my kids about the origins of the word nigga so that they may discontinue using it. Yeah, the word has become mainstream, much like fairy tales. Fairy tales were not meant for children, and because now we read them to kids, we are in a way presenting ridiculous gender norms that can do more harm than good...in my own personal opinion. And while the term nigga is embraced, it is still the root of a lot of controversy, and can ignite intense emotions if used by the "wrong" person. So, in my classroom, the word is banned...but I still sometimes use it in my own personal life. Does that make me a hypocrite???

And now...bitch. A very degrading term when used to refer to women. At one time, shit even today, if the "wrong" person calls me a bitch, I find myself as upset and aggessive as if someone were to call me a nigger. However, I have found over the last few years, that I use the word "bitch" for my own close friends...a term of endearment if you will. Now on the one hand I am all anti-sexism, and anti-gender norms, but all of my "girls" are my "bitches." I say the word bitch as often, if not more, than I say hello. Is this problematic...it is, right? Perhaps I need to re-evaluate it all.

Dating Jargon for the New Millenium

I was reading a friend's blog today, and in an entry titled Dating 101, she begins to examine the meaning of the term "dating" in today's time. She feels that when people say they are dating, they are implying that they are exclusive. I totally disagree with this. Dating for me means that you are casually involved with a single person, or maybe even multiple people. But her question, brings about some very valid points. What do we say when we're dating someone exclusively? "I'm with someone?" The days of "going steady," "going out," or even "going with" are a little outdated. It seems like we are so confused about this whole dating thing, that we've even forgotten basic definitions. I hate when single people say they're single just because they don't have a partner/lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever. Isn't single a marital status? Even if we do have a boyfriend/girlfriend, aren't we still single??? This is complicated...no wonder we have a hard time defining our relationships; there are so many possibilities, we don't know what to call those we're involved with, and without definitions, it's inevitable that people will be on different pages as far as their personal relationships go. And yeah, many of you may say that's why communication is the key...but even that shit can be difficult sometimes. It's hard for us to really put our expectations out there, especially when we're really into someone and don't want to ruin the possibility before it even develops. So I say, we need a glossary for dating. I have come up with a few definitions, but I will definitely need your assistance. Please feel free to add/edit what I have come up with so far.

Single - not married (if you are dating/seeing/fucking someone, and are NOT married to them, you're still single)
Dating - going out on "dates" with people; like the movies, theater, dinner, etc. Dating is casual...no commitment is involved in dating. One can date multiple persons at a time. Oh, and there may be a little "action" involved in dating.
Boo - term for someone you are dating, and fucking. One is not exclusive with a boo, but things are getting a little serious, and a boo is potentially the next person you will date exclusively.
Friend - someone that you can go out with, confide in, and do your most embarrassing things around, but have not had sex with. You are not really sexually attracted to your friends.
Friend with benefits/"Special" Friend - someone who meets all of the criterion for "friend" with one exception...you are sexually attracted to this person, and you DO perform sexual favors for this person, and those favors are always returned! Sex does NOT ruin this type of friendship; there is a reciprocated understanding between the two of you. There is no drama!!! You are not concerned if this person is seeing/fucking someone else. The two of you just help each other out when it's needed!!!
Man/Girl - someone you are dating exclusively. You should consider this person a friend...WITH BENEFITS, but are concerned if someone else is in the picture.
Ass (or piece of ass) - someone that you sleep with, but have absolutely NOTHING to do with outside of the bedroom (or wherever you like to do it)
Bootie Call - now we all should know what this is, and if you are in denial...wake the fuck up. A bootie call is not a relationship, you are not dating a bootie call, him/her is not your man/girl. A bootie call is a piece of ass...probably recurring ass. You may talk to this person a little more than you talk to a piece of ass, but don't get it confused...it is ASS. Spur of the moment ass, but ass none-the-less. And if you are a female who responds to bootie calls, you are considered to be a stunt, broad, ho, or breezy (just a little ghetto slang for y'all).
Convenience/Trouble (courtesy of my 1st, and that's all i'm gonna say) - if you don't have someone, but your piece of "ass" is involved with someone, and the times you share are enjoyable, you have what is called convenience. Convenience can be a very good thing; neither party has expectations of the other. There is a caveat to this sort of relationship. If "feelings" between you and your "convenient" one begin to arise, you may now have what we call "trouble" on your hands. Then, the whole situation is fucked up. So, if you are heading towards convenience, just beware the possibilites that may lie ahead.

Already!

So, what am I missing? And, am I wrong about any of these definitions???

Is sex really THAT good???

In my short life as a blogger, I have noticed one thing. I get the most comments (and some of the most interesting comments) whenever I talk about sex and relationships. Are those the two areas where we can really articulate ourselves fully? I have received comments on my more "serious" blogs, but not nearly as many as I get for the ones that pertain to sex, foreplay, and the other questionable encounters between men and women. Be that as it may, I appreciate and fully enjoy all of the comments. You give me something to think about, and a lot of times something to laugh at.

And so, without further ado, let's talk sex...

18 MONTHS!!! 18 months of toys and dreams. 18 months without knowing first hand about funky or sweet spunk?!? 18 months without orgasmic bliss that's not the result of my own action...wait, that one may be longer than 18 months ;) 18 months of celibacy. MAN...that's a long time hunh? Who does that? For a while it was difficult, then bearable, and now the difficulty of abstaining is back! And it couldn't have come back at a more inopportune time. The city is great; I have thoroughly enjoyed myself since I've been here, but as soon as I begin thinking about really "getting out there" in order to "get some" I hear a very disturbing announcement on the news "A new strain of HIV has been found in New York City." What??? Only one case has been discovered, and this new strain "is resistant to three of the four types of anti-viral drugs that combat the disease, and progresses from infection to full-blown AIDS in two or three months...The normal time of progression from infection to full-blown AIDS in an untreated patient is about nine years...For someone treated with anti-viral drugs, the average progression to disease from infection is 11 years, with death occurring within an average six years." My fucking luck! Now, this may not be alarming to your average person that REALLY needs some after an 18 month hiatus, but this is not the case for your girl. This news definitely creates a sense of paranoia, and I feel silly even asking if this feeling is legitimate. Then with all of the commercials about AIDS not having a face, I'm practically being scared out of ever doing it again! Okay, I AM exaggerating a bit, but the shit is kinda getting to me. Makes me think about a previous blog about why people lie. People are deceivers...shit if people find it difficult telling someone they have funky spunk, how difficult would it be to share information about infection? Am I really ready to put my health in the hands of a really thin, fragile piece of latex? After 18 months of yearning, and yearning, and yearning some more, and reminiscing over and over and over again, I don't remember sex being THAT damn good =) As much as I want and need to get laid, I don't know if I'm ready for the risk.

Is it just meant for me to NOT get any?

Cases of Funky Spunk

Now that I'm in the city, I feel like I watch one of my favorite shows more often..."Sex and the City." Christmas couldn't have gotten any better for me after I received several seasons of the show. Since I'm on break, I found it an opportune time to pull out the dvd's and enjoy the lives of four girls who don't exist...or do they? I was watching the episode when Samantha was dating a guy with funky spunk. How she stomached swallowing it I will never quite understand. As fictional as these characters are, they are not so fictional. I have a couple of friends who have experienced the funky spunk, and each of them felt it uncouth to disclose this information to the guy. Are we doing guys a disservice by not telling them if the taste of their spunk is not up to our standards? And further, are we doing other women a disservice by setting these guys loose who have no idea what their juices taste like, and feel it acceptable to expect another woman to experience such a traumatic ordeal? You may think I'm harsh for using a word like traumatic, but from what I've heard, the taste of funky spunk is so disgusting that it lingers around for days. UGH!!! I can't imagine giving a man pleasure, and then being surprised in the end by ultimate disgust. WHAT CAUSES FUNKY SPUNK? Is it a condition that can be corrected? Inquiring minds want and NEED to know. Ladies, how should we address these situations if we're ever unlucky enough to experience them? Should we tell a man if he has the funky spunk? Or is it an automatic deal breaker, so it really doesn't matter anyway? And men, do you know whether or not you have funky spunk? If you do, do you deliberately withhold that information out of the fear that you will never get your dick sucked? If this is the case, that is cruel and unusual punishment. If you don't know, aren't you the least bit curious about how you taste? For goodness sake, if you know you have funky spunk, please give us women a warning. I'm sure there are some women out there who may get turned on by funky spunk, but I think it's safe to say, it is not a majority of us. So, be a man, find out what you taste like, and together...

Let's find a cure for the funky spunk!!