Feeling Accomplished

Today was the first day of a much needed vacation. And what do I do? Re-introduce myself to two neglected loves...music and books. Since I'm teaching, and in school, I find that on my off-time i.e. the weekends, all I have time to do in my spare time is rest. Yeah I have intentions of doing all sorts of things, but my worn-out self will not allow me the time to take on those intentions. I woke up at 6:50 this morning (go figure) and after looking for classes to register for for the summer, I perused my three bookshelves and windowsill (yes I keep books on my window sill b/c i don't have enough book shelves) I chose Tar Baby by Toni Morrison. Since I was determined not to get lost in the television as I often do, I set a goal...finish half the book today, and then complete it tomorrow. Well, 12 hours later, a few naps in between, and a long overdue bubble bath, I finished the entire book. I was lost in the words of Morrison and the characters that I came to love and hate instataneously and simultaneously while listening to the likes of keys, larieux, coldplay, and legend. Is it just me, or does everyone feel like they've really accomplished something when they finish reading a book for leisure? I feel like I can take on the world right now, and Morrison gave me a lot to think about (comment on and underline) in 306 pages while I take it on. A story of love and relationships, Tar Baby has me looking at things a bit differently, as do all really good books. Jadine, Son, Ondine, Sydney, Margeret, Valerian, Gideon, and Therese will remain etched in my mind just as Pecola Breedlove, Maureen Peel, and other characters that represent so many of us and so many of our challenges and desires. I didn't want the book to end; I wanted to be wrapped up in it all night, and then wanted it to tuck me into bed preparing me for sweet though-provoking dreams. I think it will still do that even though I have closed the pages without being given a happily ever after ending. I guess that's why I enjoy Morrison. She doesn't feed us the shit television does, and when I say shit, I mean the happily ever after unrealistic endings. She ends nicely, not like those books that end having me think "what the fuck??" but with an ending that will keep me thinking, wondering, and hoping for many nights and days to come. Over the next few days I will explore the work more wondering how she does it as lightbulbs start to come on. Not about how she does it (because I don't know if my mind is ready for that and even if it is, I don't think I can/will find the answer) but about the clues she was giving me but that I could not recognize on a first read. So look forward to future blogs that incite thought provoking questions...not about Sex and the City, but about the questions developed as the result of immersing myself in a true art form...by a true artist.

I'm Getting Younger

Well maybe I'm not getting younger, but I am feeling younger. Not because of anything I've done intentionally, but because of the people around me. I've been carded three times this week when purchasing alcohol...and we're not going to even talk about the fact that I've purchased alcohol three times in the last 6 days. I'm not an alcoholic, just a teacher that needed to exhale a few times this week! The 3 times I was carded I wasn't wearing any makeup...goes to show you what makeup really does; it may make you look a little "better" but it also makes you look older! So no more makeup for me ;) Today my school had Spirit Day, and the Class of 06 was in charge of all the festivities. As faculty advisor for the class I felt that I should participate in some of the activities. So I was brave and decided to be one of the volunteers for "throw a pie in a teacher's face for $1." So for those of you that don't know me or haven't seen me in a while I have a really big Afro. Afro and pudding don't mix, so I had someone put my hair in 2 french braids last night. I look all of 10 years old right now. When I got to school today, no one really recognized me...eveyone kept looking for me looking right past me. Now I don't think a hairstyle really makes one look that different, but I discovered today that it does. Everyone thought I was a student, and for a 26 year old who feels like she's getting too old too fast, their inability to recognize me was quite the compliment. Several of my freshman were trying to guess my age, and one girl said "The absolute oldest you can be is 24!!!" I wanted to kiss her! But as I reflect on this week and how others made me feel, I started thinking "what's so bad about getting older?" Yes we live in an ageist society, but is this something we bring upon our selves? I don't know anyone beyond the age of 21 that looks forward to their next birthday. For us females, every birthday just gets us that close to menopause, and who wants to be menopausal??? Not I said the chief. But there are so many other good things that come with age...like maturity, wisdom, experiences that we learn from etc., but we always seem to focus on the negativity of getting older. A few weeks ago I got an invitation to my 10 year high school reunion and wanted to slit my wrists. When did I get so old? Was high school that long ago? So I try to make me feel better about myself by saying "You graduated at 16!" But still...I was a teenager 10 years ago! Damn it. When I was younger it I was so anxious about getting older, and it felt like my birthday came only once every two years...now it feels like it comes once every two months! I was always the youngest in my group of friends...now I'm always the oldest! WTF??? So I said all of that to say what is it about getting older that we all dread? Death? That could happen at any time...you don't have to be old to die...so what is it that we are so eager to avoid???

What's the Southern Gal to Do?

I have a student, and for the purposes of this blog, I'll name him Kwame, not sure why, but just go with me here! Anyway, earlier in the school year I heard Kwame tell someone (maybe even himself) that he was going to drop out of high school. Obviously this was disturbing especially because he's only a freshman, so I called him out in the hall to discuss this matter. He felt at the time that because he was failing all of us classes, school was a waste of his time. I told him that it was still early in the year, and that he was a very bright student, despite the fact that he failed my class. I saw and still see a lot of potential in Kwame. My words were not a bit of consolation, b/c his mind was not changed at all. I referred him to the counselor and spoke with his mother. After that I noticed a drastic change in his behavior and his school work. He was a B+ student for at least 3 marking periods. He also said on occasion that I was his favorite teacher and that he really enjoyed my class. So I thought all was resolved. Lately I noticed he wasn't really engaged, and I'd here him make comments like "I'm not doing it" everytime I gave an assignment. He was absent for a few days and then returned to school yesterday. He came to school early and told me he wanted to show me something. So we went in the hall and he showed me a letter from his brother and he made it a point to show me the addresser's address...it was a correctional facility. He told me that the two most influential people in his life (his brother and cousin) were in jail, and he felt that that is where he was headed. I told him that doesn't have to be the case, to which he replied "This is just me. I know I'm doing wrong; I'm in a gang, and there's nothing more I can do. I just don't have any other role models." I was speechless. I tried to tell him that he can decide what he will become, but he wasn't buying it. I ran out of words to say, and when he saw that he told me "I just wanted to tell you why I haven't been involved in class...my mind is just in other places, and I can't focus right now." Shit!!! I told him I understood he was going through difficult times, but tried to reinforce my earlier comments. I have no idea what I should do. This kid truly believes he has no other choices right now, and what could I say to convince him otherwise...NOTHING. He felt the need to give me some sort of reason for his change in behavior, and that says a lot about what he thinks of me as a teacher. How often do kids give excuses for their academic decline???

He didn't come to school today. I feel like I really fucked up.

"Samantha" in the City

Sex and the City has been off the air (hbo that is) for almost a year now, but the show still lives on in the conversations I have with several friends, and even on this blog. I find myself talking with my friends about which SATC character is most like us. I tend to feel like I'm most like Miranda...she's my favorite character, and not only because I found myself sitting next to her on the downtown 1 train last fall. She's focused and a bit cynical...two traits that when put together say a lot about who I am. She tells her friends exactly what is on her mind before thinking it through, her tolerance level for bullshit is "zero", and she is a bit of a cluster fuck for words at time even though she relies on her words for a living (she's an attorney in case some of you out of the loop). But for some reason my friends don't have the same perception of me that I have of myself. They think I'm Samantha!!! Now I love Samantha, but if you were to ask me, I'm no Samantha. I think a lot of us strive to be Samantha at times, especially when it comes to having sex. For a majority of the show, she could have sex with anyone without any emotions attached, and as much as we women say this is a possibility for us, I think if we're really honest with ourselves this isn't the case MOST of the time. Some of the time, yes, but definitely not most of the time. She is strong and successful, but I think of her mainly in terms of her sexual escapades and her often inappropriate sex talk. Basically I think of her as the "ho" if you will. Now I have stated that at times I do feel like a ho, but considering my sex record lately, I'm all talk and no action (pun intended!). And everyone knows I'm not getting any as often as I'd like, so my question is...how am I Samantha? Am I Samantha for other reasons??? If so, I'd like to be enlightened because I'm completely in the dark. Now don't get me wrong, I don't take this as an insult, it just comes as a surprise to me.

And yes, I am aware that I'm talking about these characters as if they are real, but I do feel that there is a lot of "realness" about them ;)

People can be so disgusting!

Got a joke for you: What do you do when a homeless guy comes to sit next to you on the train? MOVE!!! Get it???? I sure as hell don't. If you haven't figured it out, it wasn't a joke. It was meant to describe the poor sense of character so many of us have.

So today I'm on the path train heading back to jersey, and a homeless guy walks into the car and sits two seats down from me. If you think I'm going to talk about how disgusting the homeless guy was...think again. Yes he did look a little dirty, but what can be expected??? He's homeless. He can't afford the luxury of taking a shower everyday and washing his clothes once a week. As the guy took his seat, a guy across from him said "Man, don't sit there...take your ass to another car," to which the homeless guy replied "I will...I just need to sit down for a minute," and the rude asshole said "No move now...you stinky motherfucking bastard." The homeless guy didn't move, and I'm even happier to say that the asshole did. As if this wasn't upsetting enough, I noticed that I was the only person who didn't have a problem with sitting so close to him. A lady took an empty seat next to him, and then quickly moved. As the train made stops, many people looked at the two empty seats between him and I, made a move toward the seats, then took one look at him and went to the opposite end of the car. After a while he did get up, and took anothre empty seat in between two other people. Before he could even sit down, the two people on the sides of him got up and stood for the remainder of the train ride. WTF? Now I can understand if the guy smelled so bad that it prompted nausea, but that wasn't the case. Yes, he looked dirty, but I couldn't smell him, and I was sitting the closest to him. So people couldn't have been steering clear b/c of his odor. He wasn't talking to himself, or do something like spitting mango on the ground (I saw another homeless guy do that one time), so why were people so bent on not sharing a seat with someone who could be any of us in the blink of an eye? What is wrong with people??? He's a human being for fuck sake. No one even thought to think "If that were me, and people were automatically looking at me and running, how would I feel?" It's funny how some of us are so quick to judge people, then insult them just based on how they look. It's even funnier when those of us who are judging and insulting are being judged and insulted everyday because of how we look. I wanted to ask the asshole "Did you ever think people feel the same about you?" He would be a key target for racial profiling. But he can talk about not wanting to sit next to someone because of how they look? Are you kidding? But aside from the prick, I have to consider the 5-7 people whose actions spoke just as loud and clear as his words. I have to really wonder what kind of hope we have for our future if we can't even sit to someone who is fucking poor...a product of a society that could kick us in our ass at any given moment! I guess the difference is is that they wear their poverty on their sleeve and can't hide it like so many of us can. I mean really, we were all riding a train so that tells us a little something about where we fit in the social class paradigm. None of us have drivers taking us to work everyday; no limo is waiting for us when we walk out of the house. We ride the train for $1.50 one way. But how easily we can pick out someone who has it harder than we do. Will we ever get to the point when we aren't so blatantly rude and insensitive of our fellow man's condition? Can we get beyond ourselves long enough to give another human being respect regardless of how he looks or may smell????

Southern Girl for President

Today one of my freshman was telling me about a discussion she had (or her brother had...can't quite remember) with one of the Social Studies teachers. He told her that before the end of their lifetime (our kids) there will be a black president. I told her that that was highly possible. This is how our conversation went next:

Student: Miss, you should run for president.
Me: No, I don't think so.
Student: Yes, I think you should...you'd be a good president.
Me: Girl, the U.S. would be a mess if I was president.
Student: No it wouldn't...I think you should run.

A black president...possible. A black female president...hmmm, not sure. I'm no Condi! Thank goodness =) Now of all the careers that I've thought about tackling, a career is politics has not been an option. When others have asked me would I consider it I've always said, very quickly "NO!" Me in the presidency...that would make for one ghetto ass government. Really!!! I guess she was thinking that if I could handle the freshman classes at my school, I could definitely handle the ole U.S. of A. Now that I think about it, it was pretty cute.

Cast your ballots folks. Southern girl is gonna run the country!

Spring is in the Air

I remember thinking about winters in NYC before moving here. I was so excited about experiencing changes in climate, and seeing some "real" snow. Others from Houston that had experienced snow told me "It gets real old real soon," and now I see exactly what they mean. Snow is fucking annoying, and it's not as beautiful as I always envisioned. Yesterday and today as I was walking in 70 degree sunshiney weather, I couldn't help but think to myself "I love this city." The weather has definitely incited an incline in my mood. I love the spring!

I think my students are enjoying the weather as well. And, I'm starting to understand the nature of man during the springtime. The male students can smell the flowers blooming, and I'm anticipating some heightened libidos. Today I had one student (not one of mine) put his arm around me and tell all of his friends "This Ms. Hardman...my boyfriend!" So his english isn't all that great; he's a native Spanish speaker and only understands a little english. Until this week he kept calling me "Ms. Hongry," but now he has my name down. As I removed his arm from around my neck, his friends corrected is english; I think he was a little embarrassed. Then, another male student walked by me in the hall. He didn't say "hello" or "good afternoon" he just touched my stomach for no apparent reason. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF LIL BOY! Then later another student took a pen from me. I told him to give it back b/c students are always "borrowing" my pens, and I never see them again. He put the pen down his shirt and said "If you want it, come and get it." WTF??? Raina was in the room with me and said "Does your mother know you talk to your teachers like that?" So I packed up to leave and as I put my bag on my shoulder, it kinda pulled on my sweater, so that a piece of my bra strap was showing. This happened to be right in front of the same student who put the pen in his shirt in hopes that I would retrieve it from him. He went on to tell me that I needed to wear the dresscode as well, and when I asked him what he was talking about (i had on slacks, cardigan, and a pretty thick cami - that revealed NOTHING) he went to touch my bra strap and said "What is this?" No, I didn't let him touch my bra strap!!!! I saw him heading for it and quickly moved before he could get his jolly-on. Why are these boys being so manish around their teachers??? They must be watching the news too much and have us confused with those sick teachers who are having affairs with their students. Have boys always acted this way around their female teachers, or is there something in the water???

Just Be a Man

Has it always been a problem that men can't be men, or is it a 90's/new milenium type thing? Maybe it was World War II. Did that war stop the birth of man? Perhaps we need to start having wars that make men more like men and less like the pussies that I've been privileged enough to encounter lately. And as Raina said, I'm sure women will somehow be to blame for men being so soft.

What brought this on??? A man, of course. A man that I was friends with. Never any talk of being in a relationship; frankly the thought of that never crossed my mind. So my friend and I had been talking and communicating everyday, a few times a day. Just typical friendly conversation with a few laughs, a little advice, and a lot of support. Then one day out of the blue, I hadn't heard from him, and he explained that he needed some "me time" and that he would "be back in a few days." Ok...I can understand needing some time in solitude; shit everyone needs that every now and then. Now, personally I've never needed a few days for that shit; even if I did need that much "me time," I don't have that kind of fucking time on my hands. But, to each man his own. So since he's returned from his "me time" I still haven't heard from him. Yeah, I would check up on him daily to say hello and to see how his day was going, but got nothing in return. As a friend I began to get a little concerned, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help but wonder (in the words of C.B.) "is this motherfucker avoiding me???" And if so, why??? So I tried to call him today...no answer. Then I sent him a text asking if everything was ok, and that I was a little concerned b/c he hadn't returned any of my messages...no reply. Five hours later, I was a little more concerned, and little more frustrated. HELL-OOO???? So, I went against my urges not to call him, and decided to call him...ANONYMOUSLY, just to see of course if one of my hunches was valid. I am well aware, that dialing *67 before dialing a number is a bit immature, but I was in the middle of a game where someone wasn't returning my calls, so embraced immaturity with more immaturity. But I digress...Guess who then decides to answer the phone? Are you kidding me??? He answered the phone all casually and polite, and my response was "[Anonymous name]...are you avoiding me???" Of course he said "no"...how motherfuckin sweet. So I said, "Well what's going on?" Translation: why haven't I heard from you? I use to hear from you everyday, and now I haven't heard from you in over a week. To which he replied "Actually, I just walked in the door...I'm shaving." Yeah, that's what I do as soon as I walk in the door. He continued "Let me finish this up, hop in the shower, and I'll call you in like 30 or 45." Riiiiiight. Did he really think I was going to fall for that shit? Lemme wait by the phone for, I don't know...another week. WTF? And if you're asking yourself "Did he call back" GET A CLUE...of course he didn't call me back.

So I'm sure I'll be to blame for continuing to call him even after he never responded to me. Well excuse the fuck outta me for being concerned for someone who is a friend. Newsflash...friends call each other, and they begin to get a little concerned if they haven't heard from a friend that they normally talk to everyday for over a week. So here are some suspicions...he's got a girl. Well I'm glad if he does, and if he's dating someone who doesn't like him talking to other girls...FINE, just BE A MAN and pick up the fucking phone or send me a text message and tell me that! Suspicion two...I was crowding him. Now, I'm not sure how you crowd someone who lives in another city, but I'll be a champ, and go with that shit. Again...if you feel crowded...BE A MAN and say something. If you want someone to stop trying to contact you, the surest and quickest way to do that is to tell them that they are getting on your nerves. Or, don't be a man and avoid calls/texts and then answer an anonymous call...either way...works for me. But do you want people to think of you as a man, or a...(use your imagination). What is it? Am I intimidating? Do I scare people? Do I just flip out because I don't get my way? So if none of these things are true, then what is it? Is it just another way that men try to control women? "Let me not return her calls so that she'll worry about me, and then I'll feel all self-important, and then I'll call her so we can start this charade all over again!" Well, honey, I'm not the one. Especially for someone who is just a friend.

But here is what is so confusing. We are not dating, not in a relationship, he's not my boo, i'm not his...there are no fucking expectations, other than we are FRIENDS. So maybe I missed something...why do we avoid people that we call friends and then act like complete dicks about it??? I would think that we are too old for this shit...well I know I am. And I know I'm going on and on, but I'm completey flabbergasted right now. I just don't get it. And the sad thing is, for me anyway, is that I really considered this person to be a friend and I was a friend to him. Now, that shit has gone down the tubes. The game session of this friendship is now...OVER.

And if the anonymous person is reading my blog, that's the most attention I've gotten from you in a week, so I'm sure you saw this coming, you're a smart boy.

I can smell the desperation

Yesterday a friend and I were talking, and she was telling me about this internet site (eharmony) for singles that are looking to date. She told me a few co-workers told her about this site, and a few of them hooked up with people from this site. While I am totally against the idea of finding "the one" in cyberworld, by the end of our conversation, we both agreed to try it out...together. See how adventurous we can be with our girls! So, while we were talking, I walked over to my computer, logged on to AOL, and visited eharmony where I completed my "personality profile." While I was completing this survey about my values, interests, and other personality traits, I found myself quite annoyed. One, because some of the questions were redundant, and two, because this thing took me like 15 minutes to complete. While that may not seem like a long time to find someone, it was a hell of a long time to answer some questions I really wasn't in the mood to confront at the time. After completing this "free" survey, I found that "true love" really isn't free. Yes, I've gotten like six emails telling me about matches, but in order to communicate with any of these people, there is a cost:
1 month - $49.95
3 months - $99.95
6 months - $159.95
12 months - a whopping $249.95!
Now granted, I've spent all of these amounts in admissions to bars/clubs, drinks, outfits, makeup, and accessories, but even if I didn't find anyone on these nights, I at least had a good time. What is this going to get me? A decent conversation with someone who could be a complete sociopath? I'm just not feeling it. And should finding someone be as easy as filling out a 15minute survey, and then entering my credit card number into an unsecure site?

Or is this the new reality for dating? Find someone on the internet, and then live happily ever after? I don't feel like I'm desperate, and I really don't feel like that since I wasn't willing to pay for happiness (literally pay that is). So why would I even take the time to submit the survey? Is this the safe way to meeting someone, or is it all just scam?